The day that it all came crashing down was the day that my heart finally broke.
I could understand her pain. Her shock, her anger. She was always so devoted to the code, and then finding out that it forbade her very birth…
I saw the snarl on his face; saw the look in those blue eyes as they met mine. Saw that there was nothing left in their depths.
I could feel something breaking inside me.
I almost wish I had listened to Hollyleaf and eaten the berries.
As the moon rose slowly in the sky that night, I cried.
For moons, I struggled. Dealt with the open distrust and contempt from my Clanmates. Tried so hard to be a warrior, but my paws were too clumsy and my reflexes too slow. Scorned by the kits I had given so much up for. My heart crushed to dust and scattered to the wind.
When she came back, I was frightened at first. But her anger had cooled and only aversion remained. She slipped effortlessly into the weave of the Clan, the Clan that had no room for a ruined medicine cat.
Cinderheart. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. Bottled up apologies, tears, laughs gone unshared. But there was an uncrossable distance between me and the cat who taught me everything I know.
I can’t feel my heart anymore. Only a constant pain, a throbbing, empty space where it used to be.
Starclan doesn’t send me dreams. I hear nothing whispered in my ears, but my son’s are always twitching.
I
Scattered memories of a time when my kits were young and didn’t know
Can’t
Crowfeather. His eyes, the way he looked at me, I felt wanted
Do
…is there a respite from pain? They walk my dreams, every one of them
This
I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy, truly happy
Anymore
The lake is like liquid silver. The cool night air kisses my tear-streaked face as the lake comes closer, closer, silver turning to a dark abyss that whispers I can make you happy in my ears.
I plunge into a dark, suffocating world, a world that is cold and liquid and enveloping.
I still feel my pain.
I dive deeper.
My lungs burn.
I dive deeper.
I can’t breathe.
I dive deeper.
Down down down down…
I release the breath from my lungs and let the lake take me where it will.
For once in my life, I am numb.
I cannot remember my name. I cannot remember my past. There is no pain, and that is all I can comprehend.
Someone is licking my pelt. Tenderly, slowly, like my mother would to comfort me when I am hurt.
Someone who cares.
I crack open one amber eye.
This is not Starclan, I think as it all comes crashing back.
Why? I wail inwardly. Please, at least grant me this one small luxury! This one piece of solace! Free me, let me be erased, let me be numbed!
The picture becomes clearer and clearer, and a pair of dark legs comes into focus.
“Crowfeather?”
The word is broken, rasped. My tongue is heavy and thick, hard to control. The licking pauses.
“I’m sorry.”
It is a she-cat’s voice, and I close my eyes and let her resume her licking.
I can feel my heart slowing, feel my muscles loosening.
“I’m sorry, Mom…ma.”
I open my amber eyes and stare into Hollyleaf’s green ones.
“I should be sorry,” I murmur. “Sorry that I lied.” Tears spring to my daughter’s eyes.
She gently licks my sodden cheek. “I forgive you,” she says.
With those words, I feel lighter, as if a great burden has been lifted off my narrow shoulders. There is a rushing noise in my ears, and Hollyleaf’s face is becoming blurry. “Thank you,” I whisper, closing my eyes for what I know is the last time.
The rushing noise becomes deafening and gives way to a silence, but the last thing I feel before blinding light takes me away is Hollyleaf’s tongue smoothing down my brown tabby pelt.
